Love Unscripted

The Mormon & the Masochist

"Forrest, I never thanked you for saving my life." - Lt. Dan Taylor

Boyfriends, girlfriends, the people we date; they’ve all done things to us that we wish they hadn’t. Maybe it was breaking up with you, breaking your heart, cheating, lying or taking you for granted. In that moment it is devastating. You don’t think you’ll ever recover. You want to hate them but you still love them so you hate yourself. They are wrong, they don’t get it. If they would only listen to what you want things could be good again. You replay the good times laying in bed trying to sleep, you hear the sweet things they told you and see their face smiling at you oozing with love and admiration.

Then time passes and you move on and you realize how much better off you are without them!
RIGHT? I mean that happens right? Eventually? Please someone tell me that happens!

No, I’m kidding, it really does happen. I know it does.
I had to ask my best friend if I was sad when I broke up with my college boyfriend. “Did I cry?” I asked her. I couldn’t remember feeling anything. She reminded me how upset I was, angry was the word she used. She said I was sad, but didn’t cry. She has been my best friend for the past 20 years and claims she has never seen me cry. 
The point is, I didn’t want to break up with that guy in college. But OMG should I facebook message him now and thank him for saving my life? I imagine how my life would be if we were still together and I die inside. And then I vomit inside my mouth. And then I put my head inside my oven. Then I relax because I realize I’m just imagining things and I still have a life. 

If I was still with him I wouldn’t be at all the person I am today. I wouldn’t have done all these amazing things and traveled great places and met all these wonderful people who help me live my dream every day. I’d be living in a crappy small town. I’d have a bald husband who wears diamond studs. I’d have an asshole for a father-in-law (who I used to let push me around). I’d definitely have kids by now and I’d look older and be fatter.
Yeah, breakups suck. They can take years to get over and there’s nothing you can do to speed up the process. But someday you’ll realize it was the right thing. You’ll move on and you’ll be a better person and then you’ll meet a better person. Or maybe the two of you are soul mates and you’ll get back together! 
Psych! NO, stop thinking like that, and stop looking at his Instagram you creep.
Maybe you want to die right now and every second you are thinking about him. But you’ve got to believe that someday you’ll be grateful things happened this way. By breaking up with you he/she is giving you a life, so get out there and live it!

Oh, and Ryan, thank you for saving my life.
In 2010 I went through a brutal break-up. Six years were suddenly forgotten about. I lost myself at that point. I wasn’t sure of who I was anymore because we were so much a ‘we.’ I then made awful decisions, went out with bad people and simply didn’t take care of myself. I was on the rebound waiting for someone, anyone to save me. 

It took a trip to the Bahamas, a little self destruction and a whole lot of working out to find myself again. Perhaps part of the reason I hate couples so much these days is because I see them in that same lost love that I was in. Yes, I was happy, but when it didn’t work out I had lost me. I never want to be in that situation again.

Talking to my best friend, she explained to me that she is so passive. She never calls a guy, texts him or asks him out. Never ever in her life has she done this. After two years of dating in New York City I have come to realize that men like passive women. I’m an aggressor. Yes, I will wait and do want a man to make the first moves always, but at a certain point I see no harm in saying, “Hey want to go out tonight.” Why does this scare men off so much? Is that intimidating? Why do men hate women who know what they want and go after it? It has worked in other areas of my life. I have always saved myself no matter how hard it was and however many nights I cried tears in the shower. I’m not looking for someone to save me, I’m just looking for someone who wants to.

"It’s a full moon tonight. That’s when all the weirdos are out." - Hocus Pocus


 Ahh weirdos. Weirdos make the best friends because they’ll do crazy stuff with you and are fun to hang out with and won’t judge you when you tell them the crazy stuff you do to make money. I don’t see being weird as a bad thing, it’s way better than boring. I love weirdos, and the stories they give me are always appreciated.

I was walking to a barbecue when a man rode past me on a bike. He looked back and yelled, “You’re so quiet!” He slowed down and got off his bike. He was tall, dark, almost handsome and very beefy wearing a tank top. (AKA not my type). “No no no no no.” I thought. He waited for me to walk up near him and again said, “Wow, you’re so quiet!” 
"I’m walking down the street alone, you expect me to be screaming?" I said and continued walking. He laughed and said, "No, I love it. Most women are loud and need lots of attention and clack when they walk. You are just floating quietly."
I stopped to talk to this weirdo. Not long into our conversation he asked for my number but I didn’t want to give it to him. No matter how many times he said how much he loved my “quiet femininity.” He tried to change my mind by telling me that he was a passionate lover and knew the perfect romantic wine place to take me. (Yeah, barking up the wrong tree here sir.) I was very close to giving in though because certainly it would be a funny story but then he leaned in for what I thought was going to be a friendly hug which turned into an attempt at an open mouth kiss. I dodged it and maybe kinda screamed, “Are you legit trying to kiss me on the street dude? You just met me!” 

"No, no!" He stumbled. "You are beautiful woman, I am attractive man, I am Italian and I’m sorry you are used to cold American men." I told him that yes, he was a bit much for me and began to leave. As soon as I shot him down he turned on me. "You are too quiet for me anyway! I need a woman who is vibrant and passionate!" I turned around and said, "Seriously? But the reason you fell in love with me is because I was quiet and now you’re breaking up with me for it!?" Men! He then got on his bike and rode away and probably tells the story with me playing the role of Weirdo.

Maybe I am the weirdo. My jobs, my sense of humor, my thriftiness, my wardrobe, my religion, my living situation. All have been considered weird, but also awesome. Like, really, really awesome you guys! And I wouldn’t want it any other way.


There is no doubt that I attract ‘weirdos.’ When out with friends and family, strangers will often talk to me in either inappropriate ways or about inappropriate topics and the same response always comes from my peers, “Of course this would happen to you.”  Am I then also attracting a particular type of guy romantically?

The other day I had gotten out of the subway in the Flatiron district and sat down to collect my thoughts and belongings. No more than a minute later a man asked if he could sit down on the same long bench as me.  “Of, course,” I replied assuming he could only be a gentlemen. Suddenly, the questions and comments came out of his mouth like rapid fire, “Are you having a good day?” “I am Italian, what are you?” “I work at that restaurant over there.”  I just took out my phone and began to go through the zero e-mails that I had hoping he would get the hint that I was not interested without me having to walk/run away. I was there first buddy and while everyone says I should run from these situations, I was sticking my ground because he should have to leave for making me uncomfortable. He then started to give me his phone number which prompted me to say, “No, I don’t want your number. My Polish boyfriend (how was THIS a threat? and by the way I’m single) will be really upset with me.”  He then asked to take my picture which I said was creepy then came in to hug me at which point I screamed, “STOP!” Finally, he won. I got up and sped away frazzled because he wanted to make me feel uncomfortable.  “Bye Vanessa (or whatever fake name I had given him),” he shouted as I trotted down the street hoping to brush off the disgusting feeling he left me with.

This is typical with men I seem to date as well. Guys think that after 2 or 3 dates of taking me out for dinner and/or drinks that I should sleep with them. They become aggressive almost as if they feel they have bought me sexually with a few good dates.  Not only is this insulting but also disgusting. Am I only worth a few meals with them, a quick bang and an even quicker good-bye? The Brit I’d been seeing who told me we had so much in common and that he ‘fancied’ me and my wit didn’t even contact me again after the night I said no to sex. Curious, no? I did confront him and his response was, “No it made me respect you more.” Wow, he had so much respect for me he didn’t ever want to see me again. I understand this is a good way to ‘weed out the bad guys’ as everyone keeps telling me, but geez I’m getting really sick and tired of this Hocus Pocus.

5. Believe in yourself. Whether she was facing down scary forests, witches, or talking scarecrows, Dorothy never doubted herself. She knew who she was, what she wanted, and figured out how to get it. While there were certainly plenty of times it would have been easy to fall down and cry and ask for help from whomever came along, she knew that would have been a mistake. She could have asked for help from the wrong person for one thing. They might have wanted to rip her off or eat her or simply misunderstood her, and she would have never made it home. Dorothy knew that only she was the woman for the job and that she could get the job done. She also knew that she had to do it with joy and love and not focus on what was behind her or anticipate what was in front of her. She never let her ego or her emotions take over what she wanted. She had no idea if she could attain her goal, but doubting her ability to succeed would certainly doom her to failure.

You have no idea what you can achieve, so set your goals high and attack them with everything that you have. Give, give, give of yourself, not only for you but for others too. You will experience life at the highest level of consciousness, you will experience great joy and love and others will be so attracted to you that they will form an army of supporters that will carry you forward and pick you up when you need help. That is how life is supposed to be lived, not filled with fear and self-doubt.

Make the choice now.

Choose what you want and choose to have it.

It’s that simple.

David Patrick Green, “5 Acting Lessons from The Wizard Of Oz” [Backstage] (via pickitupmert)

Acting lessons, life lessons.

(via bridgecomedy)

<3 so true “Choose what you want and choose to have it.”

(via poupak)

Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me. Aren’t you? - The Graduate


It’s much easier for a woman to be seductive than a man.

We have the curves and the lip gloss and the hair that falls over one eye. Woman are so sexualized these days that we almost have to try not to be seductive. 

I was reading a man’s blog about how a woman’s attractiveness is totally controllable. This blog said that in order to attract a man women should always wear makeup, always wear heels and always wear tight clothing to show off their body because a guy wants to know what he’s getting. 
What this man doesn’t realize is that some women don’t want to attract men like him. I’ll never be the girl who puts on tons of makeup and fake hair and wears vagina-length dresses with impossible heels out to a club to get attention. I get enough unwanted attention when my hair is up, no makeup and yoga pants thank you. This is New York after all. It’s annoying and I don’t want to deal with the stuff that would be said to me or the looks I’d get if I were to strut down the street in heels with my hair flowing and my ass just so slightly hanging out. Also, why would I want to give the losers on the street a free show? I wouldn’t. The kind of girls who dress for attention are the kind that don’t get it on a regular basis. My gorgeous supermodel friend feels the same way. I’ve been with her multiple occasions when strangers have professed their love for her on the street. She does not enjoy this. She dresses down and conservative to try to stop this kind of attention.

If a guy wants a girl who wears tons of makeup and false eyelashes everyday that’s fine.

But if feminine beauty is totally controllable why do men still place it so high? If a man has a woman with big fake boobs and big fake blonde hair and big fake injected lips on his arm all other guys are supposedly like, “Whoa lucky dude!” Yeah that dude is so lucky he found a woman who is willing to conform herself to generic hotness standards!

A guy I was dating commented that he had never seen me wear heels. I informed him that I only wear heels when I am getting paid to wear them at an acting or modeling job. Or maybe if I’m going out somewhere nice, but he’d never taken me anywhere nice.

That being said a woman’s power of seduction does not have to be sexual or physical.  The man-blogs will have you believe otherwise but I’m sure someday I’ll graduate to they type of guy who wants me for more than my hot body and Jessica Rabbit hair.


Seduction happens all over the place; the bar, the subway and even at work. The most common place is certainly the bedroom. This got me thinking that I’m pretty sure I can equate bed sizes to relationship growth we all typically follow. Hear me out.

The Twin Bed

This was my first bed size and the size that most colleges have as a standard when you dorm. The twin is a lonely bed to be in, but still seems to be comforting. I relate it to childhood.  I wasn’t one of those fancy kids that got a full size bed right away. In fact, I opted for the twin. Was this a sign of things to come? Would I be lonely forever until I made physical room for someone in my sleep space?  Let’s be honest, we’ve all done the college sleepovers attempting to fit two people into a twin. This was never a good idea and while it made for forced spooning, it also created sweat that neither came from exercise or ‘exercise.”

The Full

Officially a step up. Now your bed says, “Hey, come on in. I have room for you, but are hoping you like to cuddle because I’ll definitely wrap my leg around you when you are sleeping.”  A shared space that still provides some independence. It also finally says I’m an adult. I’m still looking for other ways to say that in my every day life.

The Queen

You must be married, right? It was probably the first anniversary present you bought each other to signify ‘paper.’  You are newly weds and the bed is just tooooo big for you Goldilocks.  Romance is alive and well. Hopefully.

The King

Ah, the bed I aspire to have. You don’t even know that someone is sleeping next to you.  Maybe you even let your dog sleep with you at this point.  (Just an FYI, I will never let that happen.) A King can be deceiving though. Maybe you have reached financial success to have the space for such a large and expensive purchase. Or, are you headed for divorce taking the first subconscious step to now sleep as closely to each other?

Yes, this is entirely my interpretation, but you have to admit that bed sizes do seem to coincide with where we are in our relationships. For me, I just want to find someone (whom I have feelings for as well) who wants to be in my bed because I am in it, not because they are purely trying to seduce me.

Just to answer publicly a question we’ve been asked:

"Is your blog written by one conflicted person or two different people."

2 people. Probably both as equally conflicted.

"I want to get you on a slow boat to China, all by yourself, alone." - The Master


I went to my good friend’s wedding across the country last weekend. For months before, since March probably, this wedding was in the back of my mind with the overwhelming thought of “I can’t go all by myself, alone!”
I romanticized a beautiful fall getaway to Portland with the guy I was seeing in the spring. When that ended in the summer I started to panic. “I’ll just invite a friend,” I thought. Or I’ll meet up with some random guy from OKCupid who lives there or I’ll hire a handsome escort and fall in love like that Debra Messing movie! When I got my invitation and it was only for me, with no mention of a guest I realized all my panic was in vain.

My friend who got married is a guy and all his other friends who flew in and stayed with him were guys. So the weekend was me and a bunch of drunk dudes. I was their hero since I don’t drink and was happy to be the designated driver. The night before the wedding we drove around to different bars, we played video poker, we watched homeless people dance on tables, we went to Taco Bell and I finally got to try a Doritos taco! Someone threw a taco from the backseat at a homeless man who was yelling at us at a stoplight. I got pulled over for drunk driving and passed the test with flying colors. (I had switched lanes quickly because I had no idea where I was going and all I had was a drunken groom giving me directions. Also I was eating a messy taco in a fancy dress.) When we got home the groom put on a Captain America costume and tried to light his farts on fire. All in all a good insight to what guys like to do.

The wedding itself and the reception and after party were fun too and there were plenty of single dudes to party with in the photo booth and on the dance floor. I got a fb message from one of them when I got home, “hey, i wanted to let you know i really had an awesome time with you this weekend. It was really good for me to hang out with someone who made me laugh for once. You are a super fun person and the best part is that you dont need a drink or anything else to make you more fun. Have a safe flight and i hope we can keep in touch.”

That’s right folks, I don’t need alcohol to be fun, and I don’t need a husband to make me happy.


Have you ever wished that you could send your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend to an island far, far away? I have. There has to be some undiscovered land where all of these hurtful people can go to continuously cheat on each other and narcissistically enjoy their own company. That way we won’t have to run into them and their new significant other, see shared posts on Facebook and be tempted to drunk dial them when our full size beds suddenly seems like a king. We can’t get rid of them though; not physically or emotionally. They are a part of us, shaping us in some way whether we like it or not.

I do have one ex that moved across the world. This came almost two years after we had broken up. There is certainly no chance of us running into each other now. The funny thing is, we have reconnected. He is probably the only ex I talk to, and one of the few people in my entire life that I completely trust. The romantic feelings are gone, but we still love each other support each other in every move we make. It made me really think about the saying, ‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder.’  Always thinking about it in the context of someone I was currently dating, I used it to justify minimal contact or the inability to see each other because of scheduling.  Never did I think about it in a reconnection or friendship way.

Sometimes we are connected to people for reasons we cannot explain. There are people in my life now that I’m trying to understand. They are connections so strong I wish I could see into the future of our relationships. Have I already met the person that I am supposed to end up with? Are we mentally on different islands at the moment waiting for the time when we will rescue each other? Knowing you have control of truly nothing is a paralyzing feeling, but you have to keep moving forward. You have to get up each day knowing the good and bad will come, but life must be lived and hopefully you’ll be lucky enough to get stranded with someone who loves you as much as you love them.
Get on that ‘boat to China.’  You never know who you’ll pick up along the way.